Daybreak, The Inevitable

A jumble of tossed sheets and limbs in the very briefest of fresh daylight. From afar, we would have looked like a mess. Who are we kidding, we were a mess.

I lay there, eyes still closed, knowing this would end soon. I felt you knew it too - we were both logical and strong, but also hopeful. After all, this was the second run at things, and I learn from my mistakes; I grow, I take note, I try harder, I endure less shit.

You stirred first, making that noise that I adore; a half groan, half purr. From under the covers, I reached out and stroked your shoulder, which encouraged a smile, heavy with slumber. Still, your eyes stayed closed.

I didn't have the heart to end it, but thankfully you did. As we had, five years earlier, it was matter of fact, and we said our goodbyes. We were a mess of incompatible schedules, emotional distance, and lack of fuel. And that's it really, the fuel.

Two people can't share early morning purrs and light touches forever. Relationships don't run on four dates and two nights of sex per month. You couldn't stay with my pensiveness - that shine wanes after a few months. No fuel. Slowly, inevitably, we rolled to a halt. But there were moments.

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Los Campesinos - The Sea Is A Good Place To Think of The Future

Ending Note: Second tries are worth the effort. Always.

(Digital) Dating Steps

Been hitting the online dating circuit again. That being said, there's a lot of trepidation behind online dating, and I gotta say, it's mostly from the admitting to online dating, not the actual act of online dating.

Just break it down.

What do you do when you're looking for someone, or even, when you see someone that you want to go out with? Steps, it goes in steps...

1. Physical Attraction

2. Availability

3. Mutual Interest

4. Chemistry

5. The Proposition

6. Date

You see a pretty thing at a party (Step 1) and ask a friend if he knows her, if she's single (Step 2) - maybe you sneak a peak at the ring finger. You leave a couple lingering looks her way, see if she notices and reciprocates (Step 3). A couple more swigs of your beer and you head over, say hi, chat her up a bit (Step 4). You share a few laughs, exchange war stories about your boss, and ask her to lunch next week (Step 5). She says yes, and you guys meet at your favorite cafe for coffee, and a walk downtown (Step 6) to people watch.

With online dating you have access to a search engine that takes care of Steps 2 and 3, there are profile pictures that handle Step 1, and messages can be sent to begin Step 4 and eventually lead to Steps 5 and 6. It's all there, in one convenient place.

True, online chemistry through written word is different from face to face interaction, and you only know as much as others are willing to share, but is that really so different from a date? Most, smart folks, hide some of their crazy until you get to know one another, because we all have our fair amount of crazy; information is catered and we each work to put our best foot forward the first couple nights out, even if it's not how we normally act or look. 

Online dating is still a bit taboo, and obviously embarrassing to admit, but should it be?

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Air Traffic - Charlotte

Ending Note: Occupy Oakland is making a mess.

My Day and My Circles

I've a backlog of things to post, pictures to upload, and even a video staring a forklift - how cool is that?! Playing catch-up, though, so all that wonderful media will have to wait.

A long overdue thanks to all my friends that made it out for my birthday nearly two weeks ago now. Red ambushed me with a surprise gathering of all my circles, which was quite odd and wonderful all at once.

Two of my traits that I hold to be very strong characteristics are my aversion to attention, and my favor towards one on one relationships. I've never thought either of these two to be good or bad, but simply a part of my makeup.

Birthdays just aren't my thing - never have been. Too many conversations about myself, too many eyes when a present comes out, too much attention for my comfort. Not to say I'm a convert, but the night was well enjoyed, and I'm thankful for all that made it out for a drink. Red especially.

When I say that I meet with friends, it usually means only one person, two at most. I don't exactly try to keep my Venn Diagrams from crossing over too much, but it's just what I'm comfortable with. I've always felt that I bring more to the table when it's me and another - one on one; less static, more sincerity. Seeing my friends mix it up, talking and interacting, was a bit surreal and dreamlike, as I always have them in separate sections of my brain. Was good though, to see them all laughing together and smiling at stories. Makes sense though. If they vibe with me, why not with one another?

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2Pac - Can't C Me

Ending Note: Venn Diagram simile provided by Logan Lo

Finding Home: Part II

Hell with it, tomorrow's Friday, I can go without some sleep. I gots words to share, so listen up.

Back in high school, I was a good kid; grades weren't half bad, didn't drink, no drugs - just kept pretty quiet. Had a best friend, didn't run in any circles, cool or nerdy, was on the swim team a couple years, was the A&E editor of the paper, got invited into the running for homecoming king by a technicality - for the most part I was an unknown, a shadow at best. 

One night I received the end result of a stupid mistake with another guy's girl. This spiraled into three days of one entire class against another, property damage in the night, a couple near-brawls, and two kids getting expelled from a class. I was in the wrong, the entire time, I started all this, and by way of association, everyone near me bore the brunt.

In the middle of all these happenings, with various friends telling me to let it go, acquaintances ready to throw a punch on my behalf, teachers near tears in concern, and my folks, blindly reaching for their son, I found myself in the loneliest place I've ever been.

So many people were intertwined in the mess I had made, but I felt completely alone.

Sitting in my old '83 Nissan Stanza, a baseball bat in the passenger seat, I stared down a dark suburban street in Fremont. It was cold, but my windows were open - my body heat had started to fog the windows, and I didn't want the added attention. I was searching the darkness for someone that I'm thankful I never found. 

Through all the horrible strain of those three days, I was watched by the entire school, and for the first time I felt connected. I learned what your relationships mean, no matter how small or big. I found out I "fit" into that world, and how everyone else belonged, despite allegiance or right or wrong. Just as much as summers running through the sprinklers at home, or walking the dog down to the park with my girlfriend, the three days born from my wrongdoing made that place my hometown.

Home is found in the good and bad of hindsight.

_______________

Jose Gonzalez - Teardrop

Ending Note: Thanks to forgiveness and friendship.

Works Hard

Some old news that I've recently been reacquainted with.

Used to work fairly regularly with these guys, who made a video that was invited to some show down south a couple years ago.

I remember how seven years ago, we would make all kinds of crazy music video, working 19 hour days for free. Now, they're kind of a big deal, even getting an introduction at the Guggenheim. They've been kind to a number of us, and it's that affinity to loyalty that I find the most admirable.

Hell, even Abram likes 'em.

_______________

Donna Summer - She Works Hard For The Money

Ending Note: Terri Timely is Corey Creasy and Ian Kibbey, two of the most creative and honest folks I've met.

Do Stuff, Drink Stuff

The sounds coming from outside my bedroom window are reminiscent of anti-aircraft fire in the distance. It's been going steady for a good fifteen minutes, and I can only guess that it's multiple fireworks displays just lined up back to back. Feel I should really be out, well, anywhere, watching the colors and lights, but this heat that's been pounding away at the East Bay has my motivations in a muzzle.

Speaking of getting out more, I've two friends that recently broke it off with their girlfriends. One, it's been done for clear two months now, the other I just learned about yesterday, and the wound's still as fresh as The Fonz. I have advice for these post relationship woes that breaks down to two parts, and as an introduction, here's a bit of dialogue I wrote a while back for a screenplay concerning broken relationships:

"You don’t want to be friends with her. You don’t want anything to do with her – you want out of what you’re in now, and she has nothing to do with that. What you need is a busy schedule and a butt-load of booze, because at some point, when you’ve loaded yourself with enough alcohol, you’re not you, you’re Superman. There is no future with her, there is no past, and there sure as hell isn’t a present. Superman flies and stops bullets with his chest. He doesn’t make friends. Some people will say that this is hiding, that it’s running from things, and I say  to them, fuck you. They’re not you, they’re idiots speaking from a high than thou point of view. They don’t mean a thing on the matter – they’re a fucking giraffe talking about astro physics. You got to look at it this way my friend. You have carte blanche to do whatever you want at this time. And I’m not talking about screwing around or binge drinking – you’re free to do whatever you need to until your head and heart figure out a way to mend. Market’s open baby, grab a cart."

See, a broken heart paired with inebriation fuels a zest for socialization and activity. A person is wounded, in need of attention, and reassurance that things will be well again; this means they require personal interaction. In the fragile state a newly single person can be in, choosing to be social can be extremely daunting or just plain unappealing. A few drinks, hopefully with some friendly backup, in a social setting, and the positive feedback we are searching for comes naturally.

Second part, the staying busy. A mind weighed heavy with a long term problem, will continue to tackle said problem, if not ruminating about something else. So you have to stay active. Make plans with friends, stay longer at work, add days to your gym schedule, watch a movie (non-romance) on Netflix - the list is longer than you could ever come up with. The only times you should be by yourself, or not doing something, is when you're in your PJs or have some toilet paper nearby.

Granted, none of this advice should be taken to an extreme. I don't condone alcoholism, and some people take the busy schedule too serious, and actually turn into head cases about having nothing to do. I'm a huge advocate of doing nothing, but not when you've just left a relationship. During that time you got to be Superman or Superwoman. And yes, you're gonna be alright.

_______________

Lisa Hannigan - Lillie

Ending Note: Yes, the design is still horrible. No, it won't be changing any time soon. Yes, I'm lazy.